Dark Night of the Soul

Open the register, it's time to vent.

My absenteeism in the blogging-arena as of late is due to a tizzy I've found myself in over the past week and a half. I've been stuck in self-loathing, depressed, egoic me. I realize that this weight that has been baring down on me goes against everything I believe and know to be true about life, reality and spirituality - but it's almost as though I cannot help myself.

In particular, at work I feel like I am in a boxing ring and have been backed into the corner - helpless. Above me stands my large foe, pounding me - one blow after another - until I have crumbled into the mat. I feel trapped and on the defensive.

3 out of 4 of the days that I came into work this week thus far there have been emails, phone calls, or notes on my desk explaining how I could've done my job better in the previous week. Now, I work in a church - I help design the worship services among other things. And, can you imagine it, all 600 people want different things from me. Now, to many people in my position, they'd just say "to hell with the naysayers, I'm sticking to my guns." But I am strongly wired as a people-pleaser and hate to disappoint and cause pain to others. It just goes against my grain.

So I begin asking myself - do I want a different job? One that's less toxic to my (apparently) over-sensitive personality? Then I weigh options, question myself, stew, ask myself questions, work myself up, get stressed out, pout, gripe that things should be different, browse the internet for job opportunities, piss and moan, wonder about what my life means, and inwardly make things to be a much bigger deal than what they are. In short, I'm way over-analytical.

My monkey-mind needs a saddle and some reigns on it.

And all this time trying to figure out the meaning of my life and this, that and the other, I'm missing out on living. I'm missing on the opportunity to make the most of every opportunity. I'm missing the chance to MAKE MY REALITY what I want it to be. I guess it's like Tolle says in "The Power of Now" - you have 2 options: accept the situation or change it. This inner-resistance, this pissing and moaning is literal insanity. It gets you nowhere. You end up spinning in circles.

I suppose I'm learning how much INTERNAL work I have yet to do.

"Will I ever get to where it is that I am going?
Will I ever follow through with what I have planned?
I guess it's possible that I have been a bit distracted.
And the directions for me are a lot less in demand.

Will I ever get to where I'm going?
If I do will I know when I'm there?
If the wind blew me in the right direction
Would I even care?

I take a look around it's evident the scene has changed.
And there are times when I feel improved upon the past.
And there are times when I can't seem to understand at all.
And yes it seems as though I'm going nowhere really fucking fast."

(from "Nowhere Fast" by Incubus)